"This is Your Wife" is a segment from Shrek the Musical.
Lyrics[]
[LORD FARQUAAD]
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
[MAGIC MIRROR]
Ah, yes. Duloc is the most wondrous land, but there's one thing you've forgot. You are not a king, my liege, and so a kingdom this is not.
[LORD FARQUAAD]
Uh, Thelonius?
(Mini mirror breaks)
You were saying? Hmm?
[MAGIC MIRROR]
No! What I mean is you're not a king yet, but you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.
[LORD FARQUAAD]
Go on.
[MAGIC MIRROR]
So just sit back and relax, My Lord, because it's time for you to play Duloc's fastest growing date show sensation, This is Your Wife!
[LORD FARQUAAD]
Yay!
[MAGIC MIRROR]
Now let's meet today's eligible bachelorettes! Bachelorette number one is mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime! Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil stepsisters! Please welcome Cinderella!
[LORD FARQUAAD]
I love the broom. Yeah.
[MAGIC MIRROR]
Bachelorette number two is a cape wearing girl from the land of fancy. She may live with seven other men, but she's not easy! Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is! Come on, give it up for Snow White!
[LORD FARQUAAD]
Oh, she's in Tupperware.
[MAGIC MIRROR]
Bachelorette number three lives in a dragon guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
[LORD FARQUAAD]
OHH!!!
[MAGIC MIRROR]
But don't let that cool you off. She like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So, will it be bachelorette number one...
[LORD FARQUAAD]
I don't know!
[MAGIC MIRROR]
…bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?
[LORD FARQUAAD]
Oh, they're all so nice. I don't know. Boys, what do you say? One, two, three, one, three, one? One, three, two, three... There's no four. All right. All right. Bachelorette number three.
[MAGIC MIRROR]
Lord Farquaad, you've chosen... Princess Fiona!!